IT IS THE LIGHT

You woke up this morning with tears in your eyes,
A shy smile on your face but a knife in your back.
When the knife the came out, the pain set in;
And the memories you had chosen to leave forgotten… crept in.
The pain of the past: They spelt doom.
They hurt so much, so you banished them out to the gloom.
So the knife went back in and the pain disappeared.
And all was right in the world...or so it appeared.
For when you went to sleep at night and laid on your back,
The knife pierced itself deeper; it went into your heart.
You felt its sharp edges prick you, each way you turned.
It hurt you on either side,
So your rib cage gave way; your body formed a divide.
It caved in on itself; back arched over chest.
Like a dome in the roof of some old architectural structure at best.
You bent your back to protect your heart from the pain of the knife's hold.
You closed your eyes, it was too fearful to behold.
The sharp, searing stabs laying siege on your back, at the hands of a backstabber's back hand.
And deeper in your chest, your heart decided to hide.
Away from the glaring stares and judgment from behind.
You hid your heart in a cave of its own,
And covered it up with a blanket of woe
The darkness helped you. It shielded your fear.
It kept the past in the past and the present was here.
It was time to move on and forget things of old.
Forget the things that hurt; things no one should be told.
You couldn't deal with the judging stares, the lonesome glares, the piercing eyes.
That felt like they could strip you naked even from a thousand miles.
They couldn't know the truth, couldn't see you that way.
"It would ruin everything; everyone would turn away!"
Or so you thought. So you told yourself day after day.
Choosing to follow your own wisdom and ignoring what everyone else had to say.
It didn't matter if it was the word of God.
His view didn't even come third in line after you'd listened to your thoughts.
So you dug deeper into yourself and carved a hole in your chest.
It grew on you and became part of your very soul; your essence.
The larger it grew, the darker it became.
Until your heart was covered with a cloak of darkness, despair and shame.
Caved in on itself, it couldn't breathe.
While the knife remained stuck in your back, sucking all the air your heart needed to live.
You became drawn, taken, spent.
Your body grew weak and shriveled.
The life drawn out of you; you looked dead.
You walked around with a bent back, chest caved in.
No one could see, only your eyes could tell of your misery.
You kept your pain well hidden from the judgment of the world.
But it ate you up inside and made you an abomination to the earth.
Fear kept you captive and caused you to hide in shame.
You let the darkness consume you; you walked around with the pain.
You told yourself it was better that way, better than anyone finding out.
You let your denial get the best of you and it controlled you within and without.
Your heart caved in and the darkness consumed you.
It surrounded you like a cloak at night. In the day, it was the shadow that pursued you.
The darkness became part of you, it controlled you.
You let it take over and it owned you.
And soon the weapon you had created to protect you, fought against you.
It formed a mind of its own and it tried to use you.
And when the darkness had taken over, a new kind of presence began to hover.
Subtly at first; it took some time for you to notice it.
For you saw the light before you heard it:
Felt its essence creep up on you before you sensed it
You didn't know what it was but you knew it was different.
It made the hurt feel easier, made the pain leave with a new scent.
But you were afraid to let it all in for it exposed you.
It made you feel naked, weak, it tried to control you.
It threatened to tear apart the shield you had built over your heart all these years.
To free the things you had been fighting to keep concealed; things that had made you shed tears.
You couldn't let it. You couldn't give in.
The fear of what might happen overwhelmed you,
And so you fought against it with all your strength and will.
But it wouldn't let you go, it fought back.
It knew it couldn't let you take over, not this time.
This was the time to get back on track.
For light travels faster than the speed of sound
So you saw it before you heard it the second time around.
You saw the light before you heard His voice.
It was the tiniest spark at first but it came with a choice.
To either pry open the cave you had built over your heart,
Let the light come in and tear the cave walls apart.
Or to let the darkness consume you and own you and drag you to the deepest depths of despair that would eventually destroy you.
Unsure; Afraid, you made a decision.
And with careful precision, drew the dagger out of its incision.
The knife in your back came out and you waited for the pain to set in.
But the silence that followed was deafening.
Instead, the light that flowed was illuminating.
It came in through the hole the knife had made in your back.
And wistfully, carefully it seeped right through the cracks.
And piece by piece the fragments of that cave fell.
The walls of your heart began to breathe and you felt well.
The pain was there but it was distant, a flicker.
And every moment the pain came stronger,
The light shone brighter and quicker.
Arched back bent over chest like a dome in the roof of some ancient architectural structure,
Was bent backwards and straightened out like it was meant to be without even so much as a fracture.
The light travelled through your heart, around your chest, healing and strengthening.
It burst forth from every corner of your being,
Like the streaks, sparks and rays of lightning.
Bringing out from your very being,
The inner power and might you had been receiving,
All these years your heart had been locked up but you had never been believing.
For the light shines, within and without, incomprehensible.
And the darkness remains spellbound, dumbfounded; for the light is unfathomable.
The light travels faster than the speed of sound,
So you saw it before you heard it.
You saw it and heard it,
But before you saw it and heard it,
You felt it.
You felt its essence,
You saw its presence
And its presence was as bright as the fluorescence.
Brighter still than anything luminescent.
For IT IS THE LIGHT, and it is magnificent.

HIS COURT OF MERCY

As I gaze at the heavens,

I ponder on the mystical mysteries of God

His appearance like the glistening of shining armour

In the hot, midday sun

His features so majestic and worthy of laud

His power so mighty, His character so proud

To watch Him is frightening,

Though my eyes have never seen

My thoughts have imagined much more than my spirits extreme

And I, a sinner and unredeemable fiend

Look up to His holiness which has no end

For though as fearful as He may be

A friend for sinners, a friend for all is He

So with my sin and guilt and shame

I bend my weak, white knees before His frame

And lay my burdens at His feet

In His court where He dwells to judge as He pleases

And there forever at His right,

Is my dear Lord Jesus pleading with all His might,

And I, as imperfect as I maybe

Am made whole and perfect through Christ’s love for me

For He continues the work He started on the cross

Not minding the cost and without bearing a grudge

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME

Have you ever stood in the rain and let it wash over you?

Each drop pelting your skin feels so exciting, refreshing, peaceful, clean and so pure

I used to be so worthless, so unsure of myself

Not knowing where to go or what to do

Life was such a drag

Growing up, I was the kid looked down on for having the uncool shoes and clothes

I was the one who got ignored for having buck teeth and pimples

I was the kid with no parents

Oh! They sure were alive and lived in the same house with me

But for all their input in my life, I would as well have been an orphan on a scholarship

Now as an adult, life was no better

I was the wayward adult with no morals and a lack of sound judgement

I was the mean bitch no one wanted to be with

I was the emotionally bankrupt lady

Days of grief

Days of anger

Days of sorrow

Days of confusion

Days of loneliness

That was how my life went

Oh! How I wished for better things and better days

Sometimes I felt like ending my life

Sometimes I just wanted to rail at the world for ruining my life

Some days were better than others sure

But in all, they were all miserable days, just in varying degrees

On one really, really miserable day, I decided to take a walk

I needed to clear my head of all the chaos whirling around

That day, ending my life was such an attractive option

I sat down for a while on a log, weeping and sobbing

Just then I saw this girl walking towards me

She came to me and asked why I was crying

My tale of woe just came tumbling out: The death of my siblings,

The parents who couldn’t love me or each other, the miserable school moments,

The hideous acts, the loneliness, the bitterness, the money, everything just poured from my lips

She sat with me till I had ended my spiel

Then she looked at me, pulled me to her and gave me a long, hard hug

She said, “You are not alone, He will never leave nor forsake you and I love you”

I looked at her like she had grown horns out of her head

‘Cause all she said was just jabberwocky and gibberish to me

But I felt then some peace and calm

She pulled me to my feet and said, “Let’s go”

Strangely enough I followed her

She led me to a building and took me inside

Inside, there were a group of people just singing

It looked just like a church

I had been in a church just thrice in my life: My christening, my siblings’ funeral service and a friend’s wedding

The environment was so strange

I wanted to leave but she held me fast and led me to a seat

I sat down there listening to the words of the preacher

And just then like raindrops pelting and washing down my skin

I could feel the love of God swirling all around me

So exciting, refreshing, pure, clean, peaceful and invigorating

With tears running down my face and no sense of shame

I stumbled to the altar and cried my heart out to God

I could hear the words again, “He would never leave nor forsake you”

I had finally come home

That was the day I gave my life to God

I walked back with joy in my heart to my seat

But when I got there, she was gone; the girl that brought me

That was the first and last I ever saw of her

If she was an angel, I know not, all I know is that she showed up right on time

Since that day I have been revelling in God’s awesome and great love for me

And I have not looked back

Sure I have stumbled and paused sometimes

But His love always keeps me going

My past had been erased

Life is just so great now

I had people who truly loved me around me

I found my purpose

I found love

I found life

That money is torn or defaced never reduced its true value

God loved me despite all my imperfections

My value did not reduce in his eyes

Each day with God is like standing in the rain again and feeling those raindrops

It just can’t get better than this

God, thank you for loving me

EVERYBODY BUT ME

She could still see mother’s disapproving stares whenever she played video games with her cousins and whenever she picked up a newspaper to read about what was going on in the world. Her mother would scold her father when he set her on his lap to tell her about all the worlds he had travelled and the wonderful things he had experienced. At an early age, she had learned what it meant to compromise. She so much needed mother’s love and approval that it became easy to feign disinterest in information and show great pleasure in learning the art of being a lady and caring for the home. It got to be that she started to really believe all her life’s purpose was to marry well, raise good kids and tend her home. And that was the only thing that was important. She didn’t just earn mother’s appreciation, she earned her praise as well and that was a balm on the sacrifice that she had made. But when mother passed away, grief dug a hole where the hurt of it all used to be. She couldn’t believe mother actually died, who would sit and brush her beautiful hair the way she used to.

Mother would never have agreed to the secondary education her daddy proposed, and since it went against every grain of what she had been molded into, she rebelled at the idea. Daddy didn’t really take her opinion into consideration. He hardly noticed her anymore since mother was gone. She knew in her heart that she was a painful reminder of what he had lost and she did her best to be strong and hold herself back from him when all she wanted was for him to draw her close and comfort her. But she had to be strong and not show that she was in need for the sake of his sanity. So she went off to school hoping to ease daddy’s pain and wanting him to be proud of her. She cried as she left home that day. As she looked back at the house, from the window of the car pulling away, she knew she would never really be accepted back in if she wasn’t who she was needed to be. She played with the ends of her beautiful hair and resolved to face her fate with strength and courage.

School was fun. It was like light shone on all the hidden parts of her and she was really able to shine. She was finally doing something that she wanted to be doing and it felt wonderful. She had friends, she had wonderful teachers and the world of opportunities that was being opened up to her was amazing. She had a gift. You can say she was a born journalist. She had a nose for information and the organizational skill to put it together. She got a form to request for a spot on the school’s editorial team just like the chief editor had suggested, as he was confident she was a vessel of potential to be molded. She was so excited about the opportunity even as she went to submit her form but the snickering stopped her. She wondered what everybody was laughing at and as she turned to find out, she heard the whisper.

“That’s the new girl.”

“Yeah I know. I saw her in the dorm room and get this; she was excited to be joining the school editorial.”

“The school editorial? Really? OMG!”

The voices were hushed but it still reeked of disdain and the laughter made it sting even more.

She looked down at the form in her hand and ripped it into pieces as tears streaked her face. What was wrong with the press team? There must have been something wrong for people to talk about it like that. She had made the right decision not to join and she wasn’t wrong. She told herself that everyday even as she saw the chief editor and lied to him that she couldn’t join because she had classes that coincided with the meeting schedule. She needed these people to like her. This was going to be her home for the next six years of her life and she was determined to make the best of it. She was going to find out what other things that she was doing wrong and she was going to correct them. In making this home for herself, she saw her French teacher trip and fall and she hurried over to help her with her papers that were strewn all over the floor. One of the friends she had made later educated her that the “proper” etiquette in such a situation was to ignore. So when math teacher couldn’t get his car door open because his hands were full, she walked on by.

Snitching was the one thing you should never be caught dead doing, she was also informed and she struggled so hard with this. Her mates would do really cruel things to other people and call it playing pranks; things that she knew in her heart were hurtful. She was not expected to snitch, so she didn’t. When it was time for her to play a “prank” on a weakling in class, she hesitated. She was prodded on and as she listened to the cheers for her to go on, she decided, her conscience was a small price to pay for acceptance. That day, a girl failed a test because she couldn’t find her glasses and couldn’t see. She wasn’t a mean person at all; she was seemingly nice, in fact. She was part of the in-crowd now and that in itself was a loss of identity but the bliss of being accepted was enough to cover up that emptiness.

Between secondary school and university education, she had time to reflect and she resolved to be a different person; a better person in whatever path she took from there. She went to a university away from home and away from what she had been familiar with. It was exhilarating as much as it was frightening. Everything was so new and shiny and she just felt like she was going to get lost in it all. Help came for her in the form of a boy and of course, she fell in love with him and loved with all of her heart; at least, all of it that a 16 year old could love with. The relationship ended two years after. He claimed that she was jealous and nagging and he just couldn’t handle being in a relationship anymore. Of course she wept and all that other stuff, but she healed with time. She had fun being single for a time and she filled all that time with responsibility. Studying accounting was not her first choice but daddy had insisted on it and his brothers had backed him up, so there she was. She remembered graduation day just before she turned 20 and how daddy came and was so proud of her. It was the first time she had ever heard him say those words to her and in that time, all she had ever done in her life to get her to this point was worth it.

He sent her off to work with one of his friends at his top-notch accounting firm. It was during the course of this that she met her current beau- a 25 year old lawyer with dreams and aspirations the size of the universe; dedicated, focused and hardworking; he knows what he wants and he is not ashamed to go after it and one of them is his trophy wife- she fits the bill. She entertains his guests, keeps him well fed, keeps his apartment clean, listens to him when he needs to talk and makes herself scarce when he needs to be alone. He gets what he wants when he wants it because it is her duty to provide it- He didn’t like that she wore jeans; he felt it was irresponsible and didn’t fit the image he was trying to project. She walked into her closet that day, boxed up all her jeans and shipped it off to the facility that would know what to do with it. After the jeans, it was the jewellery. After the jewellery it was her “disgusting desire to wear flat shoes all the time.” She had her hair cut the day he told her the only reason she wore it long was because she was trying to entice other men. It wouldn’t do for him to be unhappy with her so she had to do what she had to do. It was the same day she stopped saying “I love you.”

Now, here she is, bent over that cake and looking straight into that flame, she knows then what she has always known but has refused to admit; “I don’t know who I am because I am nobody.” No one hears her say those words but she had to say it out loud for her to finally understand it. Here she is, 21 years old, doing well so early in her career; she has a man that loves her and is ready to make it forever; she has friends; and she has family. But in all of that, she is really nobody. She is who they have all needed, wanted and expected her to be and for a time it made her satisfied but now she wants more. She wants something for herself that she has never had; she wants happiness and she is going to get it. As she blows out the flames, she closes her eyes and makes a wish and as she opens them, the flame ignites in her heart and shoots straight to her eyes.