She could still see mother’s disapproving stares whenever she played video games with her cousins and whenever she picked up a newspaper to read about what was going on in the world. Her mother would scold her father when he set her on his lap to tell her about all the worlds he had travelled and the wonderful things he had experienced. At an early age, she had learned what it meant to compromise. She so much needed mother’s love and approval that it became easy to feign disinterest in information and show great pleasure in learning the art of being a lady and caring for the home. It got to be that she started to really believe all her life’s purpose was to marry well, raise good kids and tend her home. And that was the only thing that was important. She didn’t just earn mother’s appreciation, she earned her praise as well and that was a balm on the sacrifice that she had made. But when mother passed away, grief dug a hole where the hurt of it all used to be. She couldn’t believe mother actually died, who would sit and brush her beautiful hair the way she used to.
Mother would never have agreed to the secondary education her daddy proposed, and since it went against every grain of what she had been molded into, she rebelled at the idea. Daddy didn’t really take her opinion into consideration. He hardly noticed her anymore since mother was gone. She knew in her heart that she was a painful reminder of what he had lost and she did her best to be strong and hold herself back from him when all she wanted was for him to draw her close and comfort her. But she had to be strong and not show that she was in need for the sake of his sanity. So she went off to school hoping to ease daddy’s pain and wanting him to be proud of her. She cried as she left home that day. As she looked back at the house, from the window of the car pulling away, she knew she would never really be accepted back in if she wasn’t who she was needed to be. She played with the ends of her beautiful hair and resolved to face her fate with strength and courage.
School was fun. It was like light shone on all the hidden parts of her and she was really able to shine. She was finally doing something that she wanted to be doing and it felt wonderful. She had friends, she had wonderful teachers and the world of opportunities that was being opened up to her was amazing. She had a gift. You can say she was a born journalist. She had a nose for information and the organizational skill to put it together. She got a form to request for a spot on the school’s editorial team just like the chief editor had suggested, as he was confident she was a vessel of potential to be molded. She was so excited about the opportunity even as she went to submit her form but the snickering stopped her. She wondered what everybody was laughing at and as she turned to find out, she heard the whisper.
“That’s the new girl.”
“Yeah I know. I saw her in the dorm room and get this; she was excited to be joining the school editorial.”
“The school editorial? Really? OMG!”
The voices were hushed but it still reeked of disdain and the laughter made it sting even more.
She looked down at the form in her hand and ripped it into pieces as tears streaked her face. What was wrong with the press team? There must have been something wrong for people to talk about it like that. She had made the right decision not to join and she wasn’t wrong. She told herself that everyday even as she saw the chief editor and lied to him that she couldn’t join because she had classes that coincided with the meeting schedule. She needed these people to like her. This was going to be her home for the next six years of her life and she was determined to make the best of it. She was going to find out what other things that she was doing wrong and she was going to correct them. In making this home for herself, she saw her French teacher trip and fall and she hurried over to help her with her papers that were strewn all over the floor. One of the friends she had made later educated her that the “proper” etiquette in such a situation was to ignore. So when math teacher couldn’t get his car door open because his hands were full, she walked on by.
Snitching was the one thing you should never be caught dead doing, she was also informed and she struggled so hard with this. Her mates would do really cruel things to other people and call it playing pranks; things that she knew in her heart were hurtful. She was not expected to snitch, so she didn’t. When it was time for her to play a “prank” on a weakling in class, she hesitated. She was prodded on and as she listened to the cheers for her to go on, she decided, her conscience was a small price to pay for acceptance. That day, a girl failed a test because she couldn’t find her glasses and couldn’t see. She wasn’t a mean person at all; she was seemingly nice, in fact. She was part of the in-crowd now and that in itself was a loss of identity but the bliss of being accepted was enough to cover up that emptiness.
Between secondary school and university education, she had time to reflect and she resolved to be a different person; a better person in whatever path she took from there. She went to a university away from home and away from what she had been familiar with. It was exhilarating as much as it was frightening. Everything was so new and shiny and she just felt like she was going to get lost in it all. Help came for her in the form of a boy and of course, she fell in love with him and loved with all of her heart; at least, all of it that a 16 year old could love with. The relationship ended two years after. He claimed that she was jealous and nagging and he just couldn’t handle being in a relationship anymore. Of course she wept and all that other stuff, but she healed with time. She had fun being single for a time and she filled all that time with responsibility. Studying accounting was not her first choice but daddy had insisted on it and his brothers had backed him up, so there she was. She remembered graduation day just before she turned 20 and how daddy came and was so proud of her. It was the first time she had ever heard him say those words to her and in that time, all she had ever done in her life to get her to this point was worth it.
He sent her off to work with one of his friends at his top-notch accounting firm. It was during the course of this that she met her current beau- a 25 year old lawyer with dreams and aspirations the size of the universe; dedicated, focused and hardworking; he knows what he wants and he is not ashamed to go after it and one of them is his trophy wife- she fits the bill. She entertains his guests, keeps him well fed, keeps his apartment clean, listens to him when he needs to talk and makes herself scarce when he needs to be alone. He gets what he wants when he wants it because it is her duty to provide it- He didn’t like that she wore jeans; he felt it was irresponsible and didn’t fit the image he was trying to project. She walked into her closet that day, boxed up all her jeans and shipped it off to the facility that would know what to do with it. After the jeans, it was the jewellery. After the jewellery it was her “disgusting desire to wear flat shoes all the time.” She had her hair cut the day he told her the only reason she wore it long was because she was trying to entice other men. It wouldn’t do for him to be unhappy with her so she had to do what she had to do. It was the same day she stopped saying “I love you.”
Now, here she is, bent over that cake and looking straight into that flame, she knows then what she has always known but has refused to admit; “I don’t know who I am because I am nobody.” No one hears her say those words but she had to say it out loud for her to finally understand it. Here she is, 21 years old, doing well so early in her career; she has a man that loves her and is ready to make it forever; she has friends; and she has family. But in all of that, she is really nobody. She is who they have all needed, wanted and expected her to be and for a time it made her satisfied but now she wants more. She wants something for herself that she has never had; she wants happiness and she is going to get it. As she blows out the flames, she closes her eyes and makes a wish and as she opens them, the flame ignites in her heart and shoots straight to her eyes.
